I struggle to hold on to\u00a0my confidence.<\/p>\n
This is not something that’s isolated to my writing. \u00a0It’s a problem I face with my music as well. \u00a0Sometimes, it’s a problem I face with programming, with being a father, a husband, a decent human being. \u00a0The shadows of mind rise up, I grow cold inside, and I think, “I’m not good enough.”<\/p>\n
Most of the time, I think I do a decent job of hiding it. \u00a0My wife thinks I’m arrogant, so maybe I overcompensate sometimes.<\/p>\n
Sitting in band, the feelings of inadequacy sap some of the joy from\u00a0making music. \u00a0But with band, I push on. \u00a0I’m not there to make money. \u00a0I’m there to make music. \u00a0Besides, if I am truly as terrible as I sometimes think I am, the band would just ask me to leave. \u00a0There are lots of sax players out there.<\/p>\n
At work, I ignore the feeling more easily. \u00a0There’s too much work to do, and not enough time to do it, and there is money involved. \u00a0I put my headphones on, turn up the music, and just do what needs doing.<\/p>\n
Writing is another matter. \u00a0I look at making money with my writing with the same dreamy eyes as someone looking to make money by playing the lottery. \u00a0It’s a long shot. \u00a0I can dream, and I can strive, but I’m not going to quit my day job.<\/p>\n
So I don’t have the incentive of making money, like I do with programming. \u00a0I can’t look at the paycheck and use that as a numbing agent to push on.<\/p>\n
Writing is a solitary endeavor. \u00a0With the band, there are other people, good people, right there beside me. \u00a0Sometimes I can tell myself to do my best for my band mates.<\/p>\n
The only one holding me accountable with my writing is me. \u00a0I’ve tried to use writers groups to provide some kind of external pressure, but it’s just not the same. \u00a0In fact, sometimes the groups actually draw me away from writing, as I spend time reading work from the others in the group, and drafting\u00a0critiques.<\/p>\n
In order for me to write, I must summon my willpower, sit my butt in front of the keyboard, and go forward. \u00a0Confidence is my writing fuel, the way others might use caffeine.<\/p>\n
For the last week or so, my confidence has not been there. \u00a0Part of it is because I was feeling under the weather. \u00a0Part of it was the editing I’ve been doing. \u00a0I’ve read some of the work I’ve done, and I’ve had to pinch my nose and reach for a figurative pickax. \u00a0How can I inflict my writing on other people? \u00a0Why am I wasting so much time?<\/p>\n
This is where the real work comes in. \u00a0I have to find the confidence, wherever I can, and push on. \u00a0I remind myself that the parts of my stories that stink can be fixed. \u00a0I tell myself that it’s only a waste of time if I give up, and never show my work to someone. \u00a0I find the parts of my story that I haven’t looked at for a while, that are actually quite good.<\/p>\n