Not Petering Out

Things have been quiet and dark in my world lately.

This isn’t going to be a negative post.  I don’t want to make negative posts here.  I want to be a positive person, and I want my blog to be a positive place.  That’s part of why it has been so quiet lately.

I do want to talk about struggles, and overcoming them.  That’s the stuff of heroes, and the kind of material an author can learn from and draw upon when putting their stories together.

One of the struggles has been writing.  I haven’t been making the time for it, and I’ve been letting my insecurities and fear lead the way.  It’s a dark cycle, because when I’m not writing, I’m more irritable, and I give fuel and voice to all of my inner demons.  That just leads to more time where I’m not writing.

It has an impact on my ability to work, too.  I’m slowed down when I’m angry with myself.  When self-doubt is ruling me, I have a hard time making decisions, and programming is all about being decisive.

My perspective gets skewed.  I begin to imagine hostility and dark intentions on the part of others.  I feel like the world is out to get me, that I have no luck, and that I’m utterly alone and powerless.

Fortunately, I know that it’s bullshit.  I’ve gone through all of this before, and I know enough about what’s going on that I can fight back.

I know how to get through this, and get to the other side.  I have to face the void and instead of seeing the blackness, I have to see the brilliant stars that are my successes.

I’ll share some of them with you:

  1. After ComicCon, I decided that I was too heavy and needed to lose some weight.  In spite of feeling a bit down, I’ve stuck with my diet, eating responsibly.  I’ve gone from 202 lbs to 186.
  2. I went and played in a game with Pol the last two weekends.  I was able to put aside all the angst and hang out with friends, and I was able to smile and have a good time.
  3. I’ve been able to recognize the dark emotions and hold onto them without letting them control me.  This is different than denial or compartmentalizing.

When I get to the end of this journey and I look back, I know that this is going to be one of the moments where I’ll be most proud of myself.  There is a voice inside my head that has insisted that I give up the dream and embrace mediocrity.

Part of me wants to quit.  But I’m still here.  It’s Wednesday, and I’m at my writing Starbuck’s, with my writing tools open.

It’s time to write some stories.