2020 Won, Going into 2020, Too


I’ve been staring at this blank page for about 15 minutes now. I came up with a good title and the intention to write a wrap-up for the year, but I’m not sure what I want to say.

I just read that Betty White died, and I’m feeling kind of sad.

Lots of people are dying. I’ve been sad about that all year. I’m not sure why a celebrity death is hitting me right now, though. Maybe it’s because it’s the end of the year? She seemed like a really sweet person. Maybe it’s that.

Part of me wants to draw a line between Betty White’s death and the feel of this whole year, like losing the beloved Golden Girl on the last day is completely is thematic with how this whole year has felt. It’s a cruel twist of the knife at the end, completely unnecessary and surprising to no one.

Writing and Health

Have I given up on writing? Have I just… given up?

I don’t feel like dieting, or exercising, or walking. I don’t want to go for a drive. I’m not looking forward to anything. There’s no event on the horizon, or agent I want to query.

I’m tired all the time. I don’t know what value I bring to work, or my friends, or my family.

I don’t want to be a bother.

What’s Next?

Everything I’ve said so far is depressing and sad, but we’ve all been living one day to the next, and there’s no reason to believe that will stop.

Things will get better.

I’m not writing right now, but that’s just because I’m depressed and lonely and everything is hard right now. My faith in myself is low, just as my faith in humanity is almost completely depleted.

But things will get better. I didn’t feel like I had the strength to write this post at the start, and here we are halfway through, still typing. Still looking for hope.

Anything Else?

Distractions help. I picked up a 3D printer for Christmas and I’m getting ready to start another keyboard. After that, I want to try and make a radio controlled plane. Making stuff soothes me.

I’m still in a writer’s group that started last year. That helps quite a bit, but we only meet every 5 or 6 weeks.

These times will pass and I’ll get back to normal eventually. Right now, things are tough, but the distractions help.

I’m not sure there’s anything else to say. When the clock strikes midnight in a few hours, there won’t be some magical change-over. Tomorrow is going to look a lot like yesterday, just like today looked similar to previous days.

Someday, I hope to feel more like myself and be writing again. I hope to hope again.