What do you think of people these days? Are humans actually good or terrible? After two years of pandemic, with so many anti-science, selfish people spreading conspiracies and lies about vaccines and Covid-19, I’ve been leaning towards the latter. There are lots of us that are staying home, wearing masks, getting vaccinated… but it’s like whatever we’re doing to try and prevent the spread of a deadly virus is being undone by people that just don’t give a shit.

Then there’s the Trump supporters. After all this time, there are still people that think Trump represents the best of America. There are people that think he’s a good Christian, a good American, and that he’s virtuous. You can hate Biden and I can get along with you, but if you love Trump after everything that’s happened? I’m sorry, but I don’t think we can be friends.

There’s a lot of really shitty people in the world. So many. More than a small percentage. In the US, it’s fully a third to half the population appears to absolutely not care about anyone but themselves. They claim to love Jesus but their actions do not match the person that died for their sins.

Why am I going on about this?

Because I don’t think I’m better than these people.

I think they’re just people. Just like me.

A whole bunch of misguided people that are regurgitating information that is shared with them by sources they deem reliable.

Am I much different than that? I think so. I try to keep an open mind, but maybe most of my sources of information are biased. I try to think critically about the information I’m taking in, especially before I restate those things verbally or in print, but I’m human just like everyone else. I have biases I’m not even aware of.

So, I don’t believe I’m any better than anyone else. But I also spend a lot of time looking around seeing the ugliness of humanity, the lack of compassion, the disrespect, and the meanness.

If I’m no better than anyone else, why should I demand someone’s time? What makes my words special?

They’re not. I’m not special, and neither are my stories. I used to think much more highly of myself, but the truth is that I have everything in common with the society I live in. I’m a part of the whole, and the whole is rotten. We’re killing each other and destroying our home. Just like the virus that invades our bodies, turning us into factories to produce more viruses, we have infested the Earth, shaping it to our darker impulses, turning everything into capital.

I think I need to have faith in humanity, and that faith was challenged before the pandemic. Now I feel it as an acute, spiritual pain, and I cannot separate myself from what I see around me. People suck, and I’m a person. Therefore, I suck, too.

Writing requires audacity, and I don’t feel it right now. I feel humble and ashamed. I don’t feel like a person that is worthy of commanding the attention of anyone else.

And yet, I’m trying to will myself back into writing. I’m still showing up and working, even though it’s hard most days.

I guess I need to keep showing up until I start to believe in myself again.