A Deluge or Two

I read earlier that the last time downtown Sacramento received 4 inches of rain in a day, it was 1880. The forecast today was for almost 5 inches of rain. It’s been going hard all day without a break and I think we’re going to hit that point.

This post isn’t about the weather. It’s about getting overwhelming by a flood of unexpected stuff.

Today started with the rain knocking out my power multiple times, just before I was supposed to wake up. It set off alarms and took down my web servers. Not an ideal start to my day, but none of it was beyond what I could handle today.

After that, things were fine most of the day. Mike Baltar came over early and we attended SiWC together from my kitchen table. I made waffles for breakfast, ordered pizza for lunch, and we enjoyed the last day of the conference. As the rain continued to pour down outside, flooding my backyard and making my cat absolutely miserable, we attended classes and break-out rooms offering mostly material I’ve heard before. The deluge in this case was feelings of restlessness. By the end of the day, I started compiling the next section of Spin City to send to my critique group, and my restlessness faded. I wish I had worked on any of my stories this last week or so.

To be fair to SiWC, the restlessness is not entirely because of the content of the panels. Most of it comes from my gaming computer still being unavailable. I ordered some coolant to fill the new pump and reservoir which still hasn’t arrived. It was supposed to be here Wednesday, but it keeps getting delayed. At the start of the day, the FedEx tracking said it would be here today. In fact, the Detailed Tracking page still gives an estimate of Sunday, October 24th, even though it’s 10:35PM and there is no way a truck is pulling up to my house. Especially not with this rain.

The weekend went too fast. I really don’t feel ready to get back to work tomorrow, mostly because there’s so much to do. I’m always in high demand at my workplace, but these days, it’s too much. I can’t seem to hold it all in my head or see a light at the end of the tunnel. Part of it is because I’m not writing all the code myself. I’m helping other people write it, offering guidance and instructions on how the product can be completed.

For the most part, they listen to me, and I appreciate it, but there is always these inner demons whispering in my head. Inner demons of self-doubt, questioning why anyone should listen to me about anything. Some days it’s easier to recognize it as bullshit and ignore it, but other days there are just so many doubts that it’s exhausting just paying attention to what’s going on around me. The worst is when someone I work with says something that corresponds with the inner demons.

It feels like I’m drowning, and there really isn’t anything I can do about it. I have to keep my head up and keep trying, but there isn’t anywhere to go if I tried to take another vacation. There isn’t anyone I can talk to that isn’t already going through stuff on their own. The rain keeps coming down, a storm covering not just me, but all the people around me, and we’re all trying to stay warm and dry until it all passes.

See? I told you this wasn’t about the weather.