I have really good news! A story of mine is coming out very soon, and you’ll be able to buy it as a tiny book. It’ll be a great gift, even if we don’t quite get it out before Christmas.

I’m not exactly sure on the date. We’re just finishing up one detail on the cover and when that’s done, I’ll spend more time here talking about it, the process of putting it together, the story behind the story, etc. I’ll be more present online, more upbeat, and more visible in general.

Before that, though, I want to talk about November. And, I want to talk about listening to Chris Cornell’s music. The rest of this post might be a little bit of a bummer, so it’s okay to bail out now. If so, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

What happened in November? Wasn’t I going to do NaNoWriMo? Why do I think this post is going to be a bummer?

I successfully posted an original post every day in October. Not all of them were absolute winners, but even the worst ones were probably “good enough,” and some of them, in my opinion, are actually quite good. In October, I finished a short story I’d been working on for most of a year, and I received some generally positive feedback from my critique group on the story. With Blogtober, I built up a pattern of writing something every day, and if my math is right, I wrote around 25,000 words just in blog posts. I was setting myself up for a successful, productive time in November.

When November arrived, I disappeared. I struggled to write the outline, and then I struggled to work on the story. I didn’t have it in me.

I found myself needing to listen to music that matched the inside of my brain, so I looked for things that were both beautiful and sad. Here is a good example of what I’m talking about:

I cruised through my depression music, and I didn’t write. I stayed busy with work, and I played a lot of video games, especially Project Zomboid.

Eventually, I found myself focusing almost exclusively on Chris Cornell music. I didn’t shy away from Soundgarden or Audioslave, but I mostly focused on his solo work, especially his very raw acoustic performances. Here are two of my favorites:

Here is one more for good measure:

Why did I start fixating on Chris Cornell specifically?

Listening to his music, I could hear a man voicing a kind of pain that resonated inside me. An artist that lost sight of the beauty of his art. Someone that brought something unique and sweet to the world, but for whatever reason, they became blind to the praise and could only hear their faults, until all that remained was darkness and a need to escape.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t know Chris Cornell personally and I don’t know for sure what was going on in his head and his heart when he took his own life. And, I’m not suicidal. I just listened to the music, feeling my feelings, wishing that I could talk to Chris and tell him what his music meant to me.

I listened to the music, and I looked at the lyrics.

In your house, I long to be
Room by room, patiently
I’ll wait for you there
Like a stone
I’ll wait for you there
Alone

Like a Stone

In Like a Stone, he’s waiting for death. He’s willing to bargain his way to heaven, but ultimately, he’s alone, and I don’t think he wants to be so anymore.

In my shoes
Walking sleep
In my youth, I pray to keep
Heaven send
Hell away
No one sings like you anymore

Black Hole Sun

Black Hole Sun is more complicated, and more esoteric. To me, in the acoustic version, I hear someone inviting an end to a world that is full of deceit. A world full of disguises and snakes, that only an apocalypse can wash away.

Then there is this one:

The Internet took special interest in Nearly Forgot My Broken Heart because the official video shows Chris getting hung. Given the circumstances of his death, the official video was taken down for a while. I’m not linking to it. When I first listened to the song, I didn’t know anything about the controversy of the video.

What pulls me back to that song over and over is this one verse:

Every little key unlocks the door
Every little secret has a lie
Try to take a picture of the sun
And it won’t help you to see the light

Nearly Forgot My Broken Heart

I feel like I’ve known some people that have sought enlightenment by wrapping themselves in the imagery of enlightenment rather than doing the actual work. I may have been that person from time to time.

Chris Cornell had this unique voice, and his lyrics were dark, weighty poems. No one sings like you, Chris. Not anymore.

Now I need to get back to work. Not the Day Job, though that demands more of my attention now, too. I need to get back to writing. I have a unique voice that I’d like to put more solidly into the world, before I, too, am taken to a place where the sky is bruised and the wine is bled.