I spent a lot of time in December thinking, “Man, I really should talk about LosCon, and what a good time I had there!”

And then I thought, “We’re heading towards New Year’s! I really should talk about One For the Road since the story is a New Year’s story!”

But seasonal depression is a bitch. It hits me every year, even when I know it’s coming and I try to prepare for it. And, when I’m feeling down, I withdraw. It’s a kindness to the people around me, and a kindness to myself. The thoughts and feelings I express when I’m depressed are the views of the demon that live in my head, the one that lies to me all the time, the one that wants to tear everything down and start again.

It’s January 1st, though. I have the day off. It’s the beginning of a New Year, which means that I woke up feeling a little bit more hopeful than usual. The cruel voices are a little quieter on days like today. The optimistic voices have a little bit more strength.

That sounds schizophrenic. I’m not. It’s the whole, “There are two wolves inside you” thing, only I’ve gone and fed ALL the animals contained within. They’re all me. It’s just that I am not always the best version of myself.

This isn’t a flimsy New Year’s resolution. These are statements of who I want to be:

• I want to write more this year, because when I write, I’m happier and closer to my best self.
• I want to connect with people more this year, because when I reach out and be the kind of friend I want to be, I feel less lonely, and I’m better armed against becoming my worst self.
• I want to watch what I eat again and live a healthier lifestyle, because when I look in the mirror, I want to recognize the person looking back at me.

No resolutions today. No Yule Boasting, either. Last year, I set out to write a blog post every day. I started a story that I wanted to write publicly, to show my process. I had a lot of ambition and no follow through.

The reality is that my work life got harder, politics got stupider, and things I loved were torn apart by people I disagree with. I may have climbed out of bed with a bit more spring in my step this morning, but the world is still on fire and there is a lot to be concerned about.

I can’t change the world, but I can change my behavior and my actions. And when I need to slip back into my grumpy ways for a while, I can have the grace to forgive myself and wait until I’m ready to be me again.

Happy New Year, everyone! Let’s collectively do our best to make this one better than the last.