The alternate title for this post would be: Writing Through My Feelings.

Melissa, Mike Baltar, and I have arrived in LA. We drove down in a rental car, dropped it off at LAX, and caught the hotel shuttle. Tonight, the Retreat will kick off with packets and a brief orientation for the new folk. Tomorrow morning, we’ll get up, have breakfast at the hotel, then bus to the port to board The Navigator of the Seas.

I’m a ball of emotions. Some of them are the standard sort you should feel when presented with the end of the world. We don’t need to talk about those right now. Maybe later.

The ones I need to talk about are more personal.

The most minor of them are the feelings I think I always get before the retreat. Do I belong here? Should I stop coming to make sure there’s room for others? Do the people in this community even like me?

I recognize the insecurity that gives birth to those questions and emotions, and I don’t take them all too seriously. The doubts are still present in my mind, but I don’t give them energy to chew on and sustain themselves. There are people in this community that like me very much. There is plenty of room for other people in the retreat and, in fact, I help make room for new voices by donating to the WXR scholarship fund. As to whether or not I belong here, that’s subjective. It doesn’t matter if I belong here or not. I’m here.

The worst emotion I’m enduring right now is disappointment. I didn’t finish the keyboard on time. I came close, but I could not get it to close.

I’ve been making keyboards as a WXR giveaway for the last several years, and I wanted it to be special this year. It hurts so much to come up empty handed. I knew it was a possibility going into it, and I stated it up front. I hoped I’d overcome, and I did not.

Going into the creation of the new keyboard, I wasn’t ready. There were some skills I lacked. In the last week or two, I’ve developed them, and I know that the next time I try to make a keyboard like this, it will be a success. It feels great that I’ve grown and learned, but it still sucks that I didn’t achieve my goal.

It’s a hard way to kick off the retreat. There will still be someone winning the keyboard. I’m still going to finish it. I’ll just ship it to them once the keyboard is ready.

I didn’t complete the keyboard on time, but it’s not the end of the world. No one else is disappointed in me. It’s entirely me, in my head and heart, wanting to have this special thing done.

There is one other emotion I should address, and that’s fear. I have a manuscript to finish. Last year on the cruise, I didn’t write much at all. I needed the break, and I played games with cool people. I had a good time, but it wasn’t as productive as I wanted it to be.

What I’m afraid of is that I’ll get on the ship with this community, and I’ll get distracted again and once again, not get any writing done. That will mean more disappointment on top of disappointment. Not something I’m excited to bear.

The story is good. I just need to get into it and let inspiration take me where it will. And I’m right before a scene I’ve been looking forward to writing for a very long time. Maybe once I get into that scene, writing will come easy and I’ll just keep going.

We’ll see!