This blog is my open journal, mostly focusing on my writing journey. I have lots of posts about things I’ve learned as a writer that helped me with craft. These are my favorite posts, because putting that information out there has a tiny chance of reaching the right person and helping them with their journey. I want to leave the world better than I found it, and I want other writers to benefit from my experiences.

Not all of my posts are about writing, though, and that’s okay. These deviations are generally about my views and experiences, and all of these odd topics contribute to my writing as subject material. Common themes in my stories center on politics, religion, spirituality, and above all else, love. My odd posts here are reflections of all the oddities inside me, which may or may not shine through in my stories.

Almost every October, I dedicate myself to writing a blog post a day, and I usually come up with a plan at the beginning of the month because coming up with a topic on the fly every day is surprisingly difficult. Every time I’ve succeeded at Blog-tober, I’ve succeeded at NaNoWriMo. So if I want to write 50,000 words in November, I generally have to plan for October.

This year, I’ve been doing Blog-tober on hard mode, and 10 days into this exercise, I’m feeling it. Hence, I’m writing this very metatextual post, which are my least read blog posts. No one wants to read a blog post that’s talking about the blog itself. That’s okay, though! People only read the posts I promote, and I’m not promoting all of my posts this month since many of them are low effort, self-indulgent exercises.

Since I’m a third of the way through October, and I still have a desire (if not the energy) to complete NaNoWriMo this year, I should make a plan for the rest of this month. While I’m at it, I should figure out what novel I’m going to start in November, as well as figure out everything else I need to do this month in order to achieve my goals.

First, here are the topics I’m going to use starting from the 11th and going through to the 31st:

• 11 — Star Wars in 2021
• 12 — Culture Frozen by Technology
• 13 — The Next SciFi Wave
• 14 — Valheim
• 15 — Social Media
• 16 — Cell Phones – Less is More
• 17 — Am I a Technophobe?
• 18 — Othering
• 19 — Missed My 30 Year Reunion
• 20 — Something about Goals
• 21 — Finding the Energy to Pursue Tasks
• 22 — Being a Lazy Eater (Revisited)
• 23 — Body Dysmorphia and Aging
• 24 — De-escalation
• 25 — Themes
• 26 — < I’ll think of something >
• 27 — < I’ll think of something >
• 28 — < I’ll think of something >
• 29 — < I’ll think of something >
• 30 — Outlining for NaNo 2021
• 31 — Being THAT House on Halloween

This looks like a good plan, and some of the posts are sure to be spicy. It’s difficult coming up with topics, especially when this blog has been running as long as it has. There’s only so many things I feel like I can intelligently talk about, and I hate to repeat myself.

For the 4 days I haven’t figured out yet, I’m sure something will come to mind between now and then. There may be a current event I’ll want to talk about.

Now that I’ve figured out Blog-tober… do I have any idea what I’m going to do for NaNoWriMo?

Not exactly. There’s a fantasy story I tried in 2011, and I’m still very interested in writing that story. It’s high on my list of potential stories. On the other hand, I’ve been itching to write an actual cyberpunk story, and not something with cyberpunk elements. Also, it might be in my best interest to write a humorous SciFi story. I’ll continue to think about these possibilities, then make a hard decision on the 30th.

Before November arrives, there is something else I must do before I start the next novel. I have a Synthetic Dreams problem, in that I can’t stop thinking of that story, and it’s interfering with my ability to draft something new. Before November arrives, I need to finish the next revision on that novel so that I can feel comfortable sharing it with people.

There’s also the Magic Typewriter short story I started that I’d like to finish, but I’m not sure that’s in the cards. It’s a good story, but I’m not feeling particularly passionate about it right now. Once I get a little deeper in, I’ll feel better. At the moment, it just feels like work.

In December, I’ll rest. If I’m feeling energetic, I’ll keep writing, but that’s not usually what December feels like when I’ve had a successful NaNoWriMo in November. I’m not planning on writing anything in particular in December, but I’m sure I’ll work on something just to maintain my sanity.

Also, I have plans on going to WorldCon in December. That will have some kind of impact on my writing. Usually after attending a con, I feel extra motivated. Maybe after WorldCon, I’ll finish whatever project I started in November.

That’s the plan for 2021! Tomorrow, I’m going to talk about Star Wars again. I’m looking forward to it, because talking about Star Wars on the Internet never goes wrong.

I don’t have a ton of extra time, and yet, I keep pining over a few new creative outlets. Tonight I’m going to talk about a few of them.

Making Keyboards

I told Melissa in early 2020 that I was thinking about making my own mechanical keyboard. With Bryanna’s help, she ordered me a set of keycaps for my birthday. The pandemic hit, and I spent the summer and fall looking into the different parts I’d need to complete my first project. For Christmas, I received all the parts I needed and put it together.

Here are the videos I recorded for the initial process.

These videos were all recorded on Christmas, and I used the keyboard like this for a couple of months. The main problem was that the switches weren’t secured to the PCB very well, and sometimes it felt mushy typing, with the keys swimming beneath my fingers. I wound up hot gluing the switches to the PCB, and that made the entire typing experience much more satisfying.

Several people have encouraged me to start some kind of Etsy or something after trying this keyboard. It is very good, and it was a fun project. I’m not sure I want to turn this into a business, but I would like to make more keyboards for friends and family.

Unlike most of the other hobbies I’m about to talk about, I’ve actually made progress on this one. The only question now is what keyboard will I build next.

3D Printing

This hobby is more in support of other hobbies. I think it would be neat to design and then create tools and gizmos to improve my life. I also think getting a reasonable 3D printer will help me make some unique keyboards.

I’ve gone so far as to shop online for different types of printers, but I haven’t pulled the trigger yet. I don’t have a lot of space and I’m not sure where I’ll put a new printer. This might be another one of those things that waits until one or both of the kids move out.

If I do get a 3D printer soon, it’ll help be gateway into the next hobby on my list.

RC Airplanes

I’ve become addicted to YouTube videos featuring the assembly and flight of RC airplanes. I’m fascinated with the engineering and the craftsmanship involved.

It just looks like so much fun.

A lot of the videos I watch involve cutting and folding foam board, gluing components together with hot glue, and a little bit of soldering the electronics.

I haven’t done anything with this hobby yet, other than watch some videos. I think Chris might be interested in doing something like this with me, and I’m tempted to look up the prices of motors and controllers, just so I can get an idea of how expensive it might be to get into this hobby.

If I acquire a 3D printer, there are quite a few impressive RC plane designs I could download and assemble.

Before I get carried away with this one, I need to look up the closest locations where I can fly.

Paramotors

Some of the RC plane videos lead to paramotor videos, and now I’m hooked on those, too. In particular, I like watching Tucker Gott’s videos. His 1200 mile flight over 5 days was very compelling.

As far as this list of potential hobbies is concerned, this is the one I’m least likely to actually pursue. It’s one thing watching POV videos of people strapping a giant fan on their back and taking to the air with a parachute wing. It’s another thing actually doing it, especially when I’m a little uncomfortable with heights.

There are some paramotor trainers in California, so if I pursue something like this, I’ll start there. The cost of equipment is between $8,000 and $12,000, so this is not cheap when compared to the other hobbies on my list. Also… I’m probably not in good enough shape to do this. I may never be in good enough shape.

It looks like a lot of fun, though, and I’ve always wanted to fly.

Making Video Games

I’ve made a little bit of progress on this one. It’s the closest hobby to my actual day job, so it’s probably the most practical on this list. I know how to program already, and I’ve studied game design. I have some experience with Unity, and I have it installed on a couple of my computers. There’s really nothing stopping me from doing this.

The problem is that it’s so closely related to my day job, it’s hard for me to find the energy to put into a project. The kind of game I want to make involves greater graphical skills than I possess as well. I might be able to buy assets, or find some assets for free. There really isn’t any actual barrier stopping me from making something fun, other than finding the fun in programming the game.

That’s the list! What kind of hobbies have you gotten into recently, and would you recommend them?

The master class during the retreat involved learning several different approaches to story structure. Some of these structures I knew before the class (like the story circle / simplified Hero’s Journey), some I thought I knew but I was wrong (I’ve been looking at 3 Act Structure incorrectly for a while), and at least one was new to me (Seven Point Structure).

These lessons on structure mostly pertained to planning and outlining a story. Early in the week, discovery writers were mentioned briefly, and how they could apply these lessons on structure after they finish their first draft, but it seemed to me that discovery writers weren’t going to see as much benefit from these lessons.

I am not disparaging the class, and as far as I’m aware, no one complained about the content. I know the material was challenging for some people, simply because that level of planning isn’t their normal process.

This morning, I had a thought that might help discovery writers apply the lessons they learned without having to create an outline first. Before I get into that, I’m going to clarify what I mean when I say “discovery writers.”

What Are Discovery Writers?

You may know them as “pantsers” or some other name. When I first learned of this dichotomy of writers, it was pantsers versus plotters. Panters “write by the seat of their pants” and plotters plan out their stories in advance, making sure they have as many details as they need outlined before they start writing. Discovery writer is probably a better term, because not everyone wears pants, and the word “pants” means something different in the UK.

I used to think of myself as a discovery writer, but my approach to writing has changed over the years, and now I prefer outlining. My outlines aren’t as detailed as a lot of planners / plotters, and I’m not afraid to change my outline if I discover a better, shinier path during the course of drafting. On the slider between discovery writer and planner, I’m somewhere in the middle.

Before embracing outlines, I didn’t like them because I felt like I was spoiling the story before I wrote it. Taking all of the surprises away spoiled most of my fun, and I’d lose interest in telling the story. It was never a matter of laziness or an unwillingness to develop the story. When I lose my emotional connection to a story I’m reading, I put it down. The same goes for stories I’m trying to write.

Discovery Writers and Structure

If discovery writers don’t like to plan out their stories in advance, how do lessons on structure help them? Is a discovery writer doomed to require massive rewrites of all their early drafts, just to get the structure right?

We are constantly soaking in story, whether we’re writing them or not. Humans naturally look for patterns. We don’t have to consciously look for these patterns in stories. We pick them up and are comforted by them regularly.

For a lot of us, story patterns and structures happen regularly when we write, even when we’re not planning to include those structures. Early drafts may not be as misshapen as some might assume.

Discovery writers benefit from studying story structure because it reinforces a lot of the patterns they may already be adhering to as they write. And, knowledge of structures is a handy set of tools during revision, which almost all stories require whether they were plotted in advance or not.

My Idea to Help Discovery Writers

What if a discovery writer wants to consciously apply story structure before they get to the end of their first draft, without doing any outlining at all?

I think they can, and this is all they have to do: after finishing a chapter, write a one to two sentence summary of the chapter they just finished. Keep this in a separate document.

My recommendation is that all writers do this because when you’re done with the story, your synopsis is complete, too. I don’t know anyone that likes writing their synopsis, and this is an easy, painless way of accomplishing that task.

The discovery writer gets a side benefit of being able to look at the structure of their story as the synopsis is being built. They will see the places where the patterns are naturally unfolding. If they choose to, they can predict where the story is going, or use their knowledge of story structure to influence what they’ll write next.

That’s the idea. Simple, right?

In Conclusion…

If you already have an approach that works for you and you’re happy, stick with what works. Applying story structure is just another tool a writer has in their bag for diagnosing what is and isn’t working with their manuscript or outline. It can point out places where the something is missing or doesn’t fit.

One aspect of the pandemic that brought me low is the feeling of losing myself. The features and qualities that I rely on for self identification melted away and what remained was not enough.

I’m not sure that I’m explaining it right. All of my life, I have used labels to define myself. They started off as nicknames or descriptors given to me by my parents or my sister. What does it mean to be “Supergoof” or “Strawberry Freckled Face?” That was me, when I was little. I was also “so smart!” and “such a good bowler!” and “spoiled brat.” The nicknames and praise made me happy, because I felt like I was those things. The criticism of being “spoiled” I also took to heart, and I tried for a long time to be generous enough that such a descriptor might fall off and no longer apply.

I lived for the praise. I still do, I suppose. Eventually, I started coming up with my own descriptors, and the external names became less important. I was good with computers. I liked to draw. I was skinny. I played saxophone.

I became a gamer, in the original definition of the word. I was a bit of a nerd, but that suited me just fine. I still played saxophone, and bowled, and did stuff with computers, and I played around with writing. After my Dad died, I decided I wasn’t just playing around — being a writer became one of my core identities.

I was someone’s boyfriend for a while. I was an Airman in the Air Force for a while. Then I became a husband, and a father. A “bread winner,” a home owner, and a computer tech.

Should a person wear so many faces? I saw myself as well-rounded, but maybe I was too divided.

These identities were based on the things that I did, and the things I did were the basis of how I saw myself. I’m not sure why I’m using past tense. It’s still how I see myself. When I’m not taking part in the activities I use to define myself, I lose touch with who I am. I become no one.

That touches on a central fear that I’ve talked about on this blog before. I don’t want to be a mistake, the accidental product of a couple of teenagers that had unprotected sex in the early 70s. Lives were changed, not always for the better, just by me existing in the world. I need to leave the world better than I found it. I need my life to justify itself, somehow.

How can I justify my existence if I’m no one?

With the pandemic, I stopped doing the things I use to define myself. I stopped writing. I didn’t play music. I didn’t bowl. I wasn’t reading or making art or game with people. Even at work, I was programming less than I used to, because they need me to do more than just code.

Recently, I went on a retreat and started writing again. Just last weekend, I played my saxophone with a swing band. Today, I helped a couple of people write some code. I’m still not programming much in the way that I normally think about programming, but maybe it’s a new identity starting to form. It feels uncertain and new and scary.

Who will I become if I stop writing again? Who will I become if I go back to doing nothing?

I’m writing now, and I can only control the present.

We are going to talk about two things tonight.

1. What it takes to make me cry
2. My thoughts and feelings regarding Disney+’s What If…?

To begin, I do not cry often. I feel sadness as intensely as anyone else, but I don’t usually express it as crying. I’m not trying to be manly and hide my tears. There have been many times this last year and a half where I wanted to cry, but my body refused. I have theories as to why I am this way, but that can be a subject for a different post.

I am physically capable of crying, but it usually only happens when I’m experiencing something both beautiful and sad in an artistic expression. For example, Les Miz can bring me to tears if I’ve gone a long period without listening to it. At the end of Jean Val Jean’s life, there are two lines that hit me. First, when the ghost of Fontaine sings, “Come with me, where chains will never bind you.” It’s such a simple and profound way of describing heaven. That line cracks the shell, then this line scrambles my eggs: “To love another person is to see the face of God.”

Those are the most sad and beautiful lines I’ve ever heard. Think what you will of the movie adaptation, but even that was able to bring me to tears.

Art that makes my heart swell is capable of making me cry, and it usually takes me by surprise.

Now let’s talk about What If…? Not that there will be spoilers, so now is the time to click away if you haven’t seen the show yet.

** Spoilers for What If…? Below **

I liked the show. I just finished the last episode, and I think the whole series is really, really good.

Some episodes connected with me more than others. It started with the Captain Carter episode, and while I had a really good time with it, I can’t say that it hit me on an emotional level. It told a really great retelling of the Captain America story, hitting all the beats of the first Captain America movie, for better or for worse.

Episode two showed us what it would have been like if T’Challa became Star Lord, and hearing Chadwick Boseman did hit me. The story was fine, but it was Chadwick’s presence in the story that I remember the most.

Episode three gave us Fury’s Very Busy Week with a twist. It’s not easy watching all of the Avengers die, one by one, before they’re able to come together at the end. My emotions were stirred, but I wouldn’t say I was moved. At this point, none of the episodes seem to tie together at all, and it just feels like a fun ride with some interesting fan service.

Episode four is the first really dark episode, watching Doctor Strange try and save Christine over and over again, doing everything in his power to change one moment in time. He succeeds only to lose her and the rest of his universe. Still no tied to any of the other episodes, but I found this episode to be bitter and satisfying.

I’m going to lump episodes five, six, and seven together for brevity. The zombie episode had tone problems. I would describe it as interesting but not great. Six gave us an extremely interesting premise with Killmonger saving Tony Stark. This hit me as being dark like episode four. I did not like seeing T’Challa die in this episode. And Party Thor in episode seven was a fun and silly ride.

Throughout episodes one through seven, The Watcher becomes more and more substantial, with the ending of episode 7 showing The Watcher legitimately surprised when Ultron shows up, ready to destroy the world. The end of episode 7 is where we get our first hint that these were all stories part of a connected whole. From this point forward, we’re in for quite a ride.

Episode 8 shows us how scary Ultron could have been if he’d managed to get the body of Vision. He breaks his universe and turns his red eyes towards defeating the multi-verse. This episode was dark and beautiful and exciting, and it left me anticipating the final episode.

Episode 9 attempted to deliver on all the promises made throughout the whole season, and it mostly succeeded. The Watcher gathered characters from the previous episodes. It set up these Guardians of the Multi-Verse, and it was exciting to see them pitted against an infinity stone powered Ultron. Lots of payoffs for things setup throughout the season. It was very good.

Before the credits, our heroes are sent back to their respective worlds. Captain Carter stops for a moment and asks if she can have her happy ending with Steve. After everything she’s done and lost, has she not earned it? The Watcher apologizes, Captain Carter exchanges looks with Natasha, and then she goes through the door. Natasha is the last of them, and her world is the one Ultron wiped out. All of her friends are gone. She has nothing to return to. The Watcher bids her to go through the door and when she refuses, he says that the door was figurative, anyway. She finds herself on a helicarrier, where Captain America and Captain Marvel are fighting off Chitauri. The Watcher tells her that she’s in a world that lost their Black Widow. It’s not obvious, but this is the world from Episode Three that lost almost all of The Avengers, and she proves pivotal in defeating Loki.

The credits begin, and I think to myself, “This was a good series. I enjoyed this.” It didn’t hit me emotionally, and I felt a little bit hollow. But I had a good time and I had no complaints. If this had been it, I would be satisfied.

But then we get one more scene. Captain Carter, returned to the exact moment she left her universe. Natasha helps her, and they go down into the bowels of the ship where they find The Hydra Smasher, presumably with Steve Rogers alive inside.

And that got me. That choked me up. I don’t know why, but that was the emotional payoff I needed and I didn’t know it.

Why did that scene bring tears to my eyes? I don’t know. I think it’s because Captain Carter, after staying true and being the best hero she could be, took the step through the door knowing she would never see the one she loved again. Instead of leaving it there, the universe gave her and Steve another chance.

It got me, and I love it for it.

How would I rank What If…? against the other Disney+ shows? Just below Loki and either tied with or just above Wandavision. I’ve loved all of the shows and I’m glad to have watched them. Episode 5 of Loki still puts that series above all the others in my eyes, and I don’t expect anyone else to see these shows the same way I do. My criteria for enjoyment might be a little bit weird.

How have you enjoyed the Disney+ shows? Let me know your thoughts on What If…? because I’d love to talk with someone about it.

I hoped to find myself and my writing voice by going to the retreat. Though writing is a solitary activity, where the writer crawls into their own skull to mine their thoughts and imagination to produce words, we are still social animals. Being around other writers can be rejuvenating. Did the retreat accomplish everything I hoped?

Mostly.

It reminded me that I have skills as a writer. The retreat generated fuel for my passion, but on its own, didn’t reignite the fire. However, it reminded me that after years of taking this seriously, I acquired tools and abilities to not only make my stories better, but to push through writing blocks. While I didn’t generate a lot of words, I managed to push my most recent short story forward a little bit, and I know how to get to the end.

I don’t remember if I talked much about my current story. A writer acquires a magic typewriter and begins writing the best story he’s ever written. When he’s not working on the story, he becomes more and more depressed. But he discovers that as soon as he finishes the story, he will die.

When I started the story, the writer sat in a coffee shop, staring at a blinking cursor. I intentionally started it from an autobiographical perspective, grounding the opening in my own lived in experience. I didn’t realize how of myself I was putting into the story, though. He pines over this story he’s written, the way someone might long for their soulmate. I didn’t know that part was autobiographical until later, when I found myself procrastinating writing this story by reading parts of Synthetic Dreams.

I still haven’t finished the first set of revisions for Synthetic Dreams, and it distracts me from all of my other writing. It’s my favorite story that I’ve ever written. I may have to finish the revisions for that story this month, so that my mind will be clear for the new novel next month.

The retreat helped me get in a better headspace for writing. It meant a lot being around other writers again, and socializing, and being a part of something bigger. There were moments during the retreat where I felt like I was paying back to the community, at least a little. I learned so much over the last decade or so, and every once in a while on the ship, I had opportunities to share.

I’m not sure I’m completely right in my heart and my mind, but I’m writing again. I committed to writing something here every day, and this post will make 5 for 5. If I make it ten days in a row, I’m confident I can make all 31. And if I can do that, maybe I’ll be able to write every day in November and get the next novel out of my heart and onto the page.

It feels good to write again.

“This is not the greatest song in the world, no. This is just a tribute.”

Tenacious D

One morning on the cruise, Melissa and I ate breakfast with several other writers in the Windjammer. The opportunity arose to tell the story of how Melissa and I met. It’s one of my favorite stories to tell because it involves a lot of build-up.

The thing about the story of how I met Melissa is that there are two stories. In the Windjammer, talking to Jamie, Shawn, and John, I was able to tell the first part without interruption.

Melissa and I were both in the Air Force, and we both lived on the same floor of the same dorm. After a long day, on my way to my room, I passed Melissa and her best friend Smith sitting on the hallway floor. I heard Melissa complaining about the hot chocolate they were drinking. Something about the drinks being “chalky.” As I entered my room, I remembered that I recently received a care package from my Mom. I heated up some water, cleaned a couple of cups, and brought out a hot apple cider and offered it to Melissa. She hadn’t had hot cider before, and loved it.

Not long after that, I was playing pool in the dayroom downstairs. Melissa sauntered in, leaned against the table, and asked, “Do you have a car?” I said that I did. Then she asked, “Do you want to take me into town to see a movie?” I agreed.

This is the nice half of the story, because everything is fresh and new, and you can imagine the two of us finding happiness with each other. I managed to tell this part of the story without interruption. But then things got interesting in The Windjammer.

When there is an alarm for the crew, an announcement is made over the loudspeaker in code. “Bravo Bravo Bravo” means there is a fire somewhere, for example. We heard “Alpha Alpha Alpha” which meant that someone needed medical attention. I paused the story so we could talk about the alarm and the implications, because I’m not a monster.

The thing is, the story of how Melissa and I met is best told without interruptions, because of the flow and the build-up. To resume, I had to reveal more details and draw it out a little more, to make sure the timing and emotional impact is just right.

If one were to consider going out to dinner and seeing a movie as a date, then Melissa and I had our first date in late 1994. Her friend Smith came with us, so maybe it wasn’t a date. Who can say? From a certain point of view, Melissa and I never really dated. We met, some stuff happened, and then we got married on July 29th, 1995.

I had a trip coming up where I needed to drive to Albuquerque to pick up my friend Arison from the airport. It’s a 4 hour drive from Alamogordo, and I asked Melissa if she’d like to go with me, thinking she’d say no. To my surprise, she said yes.

In Albuquerque, I took her to Yesterdaves, a restaurant with a 50’s diner feel. Melissa was very impressed, but not nearly as impressed as when we went to the airport and Airson greeted her. Arison was tall and imposing, and he emerged the gate wearing garb, with a huge bag slung over his shoulder. He bowed and kissed Melissa’s hand, another first for her.

On the way back to Alamogordo, with Arison sleeping in the back of my car, Melissa and I held hands for the first time.

In the Windjammer, another alarm sounded, and we stopped to listen and interpret it. At this point, the interruptions themselves became a humorous part of the storytelling. I wondered if I was going to be able to tell the story at all. Since the timing was thrown off so much, I didn’t think it would land correctly. The emotional payoff wouldn’t be worth it.

The thing is, everything I just told you about how Melissa and I met… it wasn’t really our first meeting. We thought so at the time, but the actual first meeting was something much less romantic. I figured it out later, not long before we decided to get married.

To understand what our first meeting was really like, I have to tell you a little about what I did on base, and I have to talk about Building 1020.

As I relayed this information to the people at the table in the Windjammer, several of them started laughing. They provided their own interruptions. I laughed, too, but I worried that the story was already ruined.

I was attached to the 83rd Air Control Squadron, but I was on loan to the base, fixing computers for the Comm squadron. I’d get a list of trouble tickets to resolve, borrow one of the vans, and drive around the base with my bag, resolving both hardware and software problems. One morning, I needed to go to Building 1020.

What happens in Building 1020? To this day, I have no idea. I pulled up in my van, got out, and approached a fence. On the other side of a gate was about 20 yards of “killzone,” with a couple of guys guarding the space from an elevated position with M-16s. At the gate, a telephone hung, waiting for visitors. There are no buttons on this phone to dial. You pick it up, put it to your ear, and it automatically rings to someone at the front desk of Building 1020.

After they answered, I said, “This is Airman Buhl from the Comm squadron. I’m here to fix a computer.” The person at the front desk pushed a button and I heard a click from the gate. I opened it, walked across the killzone, and entered the building. Just inside, they took my bag and searched it while someone else patted me down. Once they were satisfied, they returned my bag, then reached under the desk and flipped a switch. Blue lights mounted to the ceiling throughout the building came on and started spinning. This was the signal to everyone in the building that a stranger was in the area, and they needed to take whatever they were working on and put it away until the stranger left.

This was my experience of visiting Building 1020. From the outside, it looked like it might have been 3 stories, but it could have had subterranean levels. Maybe they worked on fancy new weapons. Maybe they researched alien technology. I don’t know, and I will never know. It was a mystery that spawned rumors and fireside stories, and I kind of love it.

In the Windjammer, we heard 7 short blasts, followed by a long blast. We knew this as the signal for everyone to go to their muster station. Upon boarding the ship, everyone is taught this, so we all got up from the table and headed for the door. No one else in the Windjammer seemed to be acknowledging the alarm, though. At the door, we asked one of the crew why no one else appeared to be headed for muster.

“It’s a drill for the crew,” they said. “You don’t have to worry about it.”

We were relieved, and we laughed and went separate ways. I did not get to finish the story. I told them if the chance came up later, I’d give them the rest, but the opportunity did not arise, so they didn’t get the emotional payoff I hoped to deliver. As told, the story must have been somewhat unsatisfying. They heard me describe how Melissa and I met, and then I talked about some weird, high security building. What did one have to do with the other?

I didn’t get to finish for them, but since you’ve read this far, and you’ve been patient with all of these interruptions, I’ll give the rest to you now. You’ve been a good audience, and even though this post is about the telling of the story, I’ll deliver to you what I could not deliver to them.

After I left Building 1020, I had a number of other jobs to complete around the base. None of them were as intimidating as the experience at Building 1020. None of the jobs were particularly complicated or memorable, either. Not until I drove out to the 7th and 8th Fighter Squadron, which is where the F-117A stealth fighters were stationed.

As I understand it, the F-117A is a fighter in name only. It’s an air wing and it cannot fly without the computer on board constantly making adjustments, just to keep the plane flying straight. It can reach mach-1, qualifying it to be called a fighter, but it’s really a small bomber. It’s not meant for dogfights.

These planes were super expensive and high profile, so when I went to the front door of the administrative building, I was not surprised to see a phone hanging just outside. Earlier that day, I’d visited building 1020, so I knew the drill. I picked it up and called inside.

Someone answered and I said, “This is Airman Buhl from the Comm squadron. I’m here to fix a computer.”

“So?” the young woman on the other end said.

“Can you buzz me in?”

“Open it yourself. The door is open.”

When I saw the phone hanging next to the door, I didn’t bother trying to open it. After I hung up, I opened the door and made my way to the computer that I was supposed to fix. The young woman that answered the phone pointed and laughed at me, and kept laughing at me while I worked.

“What a bitch,” I thought.

And that is was the actual first time Melissa and I met. Weeks later, I met her again in the hall of the dorm, but neither one of us recognized each other. It wasn’t until later when I found out where she worked that I was able to put it together.

A few weeks ago, I went and saw Shang-Chi in theaters. I really enjoyed it! But my experience being out of my house, surrounded by strangers, felt uncomfortable. I pulled myself into my seat, trying to be as small as I could be. I remained that way until the movie ended and I left the theater.

Next, Melissa and I traveled for our vacation. We flew Delta, going from Sacramento to Atlanta, then Atlanta to Houston. From there, we bused with our group to Galveston, boarded the Independence of the Seas, and had a really great time with the Writing Excuses Retreat 2021. Melissa and I remained on the ship the whole time. When the retreat finished, we again bused to Houston and flew the reverse of the course that brought us there.

Yesterday, I played with a swing band at a wedding, which took place in someone’s backyard. There were around 70 guests, and no one was wearing a mask. I wore my mask when not playing, and in general, I tried not to get too close to anyone that wasn’t in the band.

I’m describing all of this because these have been moments of tension. I’m aware of every person around me that isn’t wearing a mask, or that is wearing one improperly. There were plenty of chin-strappers at the airport on the way home from the retreat. My heart beats a little faster. It bothers me, and I don’t want to add myself to the list of people potentially spreading a deadly virus.

That’s the crux of it. While I’m a little bit worried about catching the virus and getting sick myself, I’m more worried about spreading it. Through action or inaction, I do not want to endanger another person’s life.

Yet there I was yesterday, playing my sax at stranger’s wedding, after I’d done all of this traveling.

I am vaccinated, and I’ve been doing a lot to make sure I don’t become a vector. I work from home. I wear a mask whenever I’m out. I wash my hands and I social distance. I can’t say I’ve done everything to be safe now, though, since I went out and played at that event. If I was an asymptomatic break-through case and spread Covid to that wedding, that’s entirely on me, and I’m going to regret it for the rest of my life.

I played the gig because it felt like the universe was telling me to do it. There’s a section in Acts I could quote to back up what I’m saying, but I’m not going to use The Bible to justify my actions. The timing made me believe this was something I was supposed to do, so I did it. Today, I’m reflecting and trying to see if there is something I can learn from this experience.

Maybe I’ve been too uptight about spreading Covid, and this experience is trying to teach me that I can continue to exercise caution while still going out and supporting people. Or, maybe I’m supposed to see that I’ve been living too much in fear, and I need to let that go and just follow my conscience.

If I find out that the wedding became a superspreader event and I’m part of the cause, I’ll learn a completely different lesson.

Looking at the numbers, it seems like there’s still a lot of time in front of all of us to learn some of these lessons.

I mentioned yesterday that I had a gig today. I played with the Swing Collective, which is basically the reboot of RC Swing. Most of the people I played with tonight were part of RC Swing. The music folder I used was the same one I turned in when I left the band. My handwriting is still on the sheet music.

It was a bit like stepping back in time, and it was exactly what I needed.

To fully appreciate what this meant to me, I have to tell you about one of the evenings on the cruise. Deck 5 is the promenade, and I was walking across it with a group of other writers. Above the promenade, a small band played some swing music. A tenor, trumpet, trombone, drums, and bass player. They sounded great, and it made my heart hurt a little. I wanted to be up there with them, playing and making music. I hadn’t felt that kind of longing to play my sax in years, and it hit hard in the middle of my vacation.

The next morning, I had an email from one of the people I used to play with in RC Swing. He needed someone to sub in on Alto, and he wanted to know if I was interested.

The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. We were flying home on Monday night. Practice on Tuesday. Muddle through the rest of the week, then play the gig Saturday evening. I said yes, and it was great!

I was afraid I wouldn’t play very well. I haven’t touched my instrument in a long time, and I was afraid I’d be too rusty to perform. While I could have done better, I think I played pretty well. It made me very happy to play again.

So why did I quit in the first place? Does this mean I’m going to try to play again?

I quit because I wanted to prioritize my writing. From 2013 to 2017, I didn’t finish any major stories. Those were the years I was participating in two bands, plus administration, plus work. I spread myself too thin, and my writing suffered. I left RC Swing in late 2017, and just after that, I finished Spin City. The next year, I finished the first half of Synthetic Dreams. The next year after that, I managed to get my first short story published.

Taking a break from band directly lead to me finishing writing projects and advancing that part of my life. I made the right decision, even though I’ve really missed playing music.

Maybe I can just stay on the sub list. It’s a lot less responsibility and a lower time commitment. I get to keep playing when the opportunity arises.

They asked if I could sub again this month on the 22nd. I’d need to be at practice again this Tuesday. I told them I needed to check with Melissa first and make sure I didn’t accidentally double book. I also wanted to get her opinion on whether or not I should keep doing this, because I have a history of not thinking clearly when it comes to making commitments to band.

The Surrey International Writers Conference is that weekend, so I think I’m going to have to turn this one down. It’s only one night, but… this is why I quit band in the first place. To prioritize my writing over my music.

I’ll think about it. I had a lot of fun tonight, and it fed a part of my soul that had been starving.

It’s that time of year again! A full month of writing to prepare me for a full month of writing!

Thirty-one posts in as many days. It’s harder than it sounds.

Previous years, I went into this month with a plan, which really helped. I figured out a theme and topics in advance, set myself a schedule, and then checked off the list each day. Sometimes I’d change up the plan a little bit. I was often surprised by how well some topics worked, and some I’d been looking forward to failed to work.

This month, I don’t have much of a plan yet. I asked on Twitter what topics people would like me to include, and I received two responses: 1) Things that make me happy and 2) Music I like to play while I’m writing.

I’m not sure I can make much of a post out of the second one, since I don’t write very well while music is playing. At least, not music with lyrics. I’ll see if I can come up with some music themed posts, though.

As for what makes me happy… wow. That question always catches me off guard.

Since I’m freshly back from a vacation, the question of what makes me happy isn’t sending me into an existential crisis. At this moment, it just hits me as a curiosity. What makes me happy? Writing? Music? Games?

This month, I’ll try to come up with as many posts as I can relating to topics that make me happy. I’m not sure how many posts that will wind up being. More than 3, but probably less than 10.

At some point, I’ll probably write about the novel I’m going to start next month. Maybe I’ll also talk about the short story I’ve been working on, and the revisions for Synthetic Dreams.

I’ll give Blog-Tober a solid attempt, but I’m not going to stress over it. And, if I fall short of my goal, I’ll probably reconsider whether or not I have enough fuel in the tank to do NaNoWriMo.

However it goes, I’m going to relax into it.

On a completely different topic, I have a gig tomorrow. I get to play with most of the people I played with in RC Swing. Mostly the same music, too. It’s going to be a lot of fun. I’ll probably dedicate a topic to the performance, and maybe reflect on the decision I made to leave band a few years ago. In hindsight, was it the right decision? Come by later in the month and I’ll tell you all about it.