I’m tempted not to write this, since I think it might come across a little bit melancholy. But it’s hopeful, really! I promise!

For the last several days, I’ve been on my own. Chris is in Washington with his girlfriend, and they’re making serious plans to try and put their lives together. Bryanna has been enjoying her health since the gallbladder surgery, and seems sincerely happy. Melissa helped drive her sister to Oklahoma and has been spending time with her family there. It’s just been me in the house, which has given me time to think.

Mostly just me, I should say. There are two needy cats, and I’ve done my best to keep them happy. They take turns interrupting me while I’m working or playing. My nickname for Jasmine is now “Hard Mode” because she is particularly good at jumping up on my keyboard when the timing couldn’t be worse.

My health is improving. The Losartan is doing its job, and my blood pressure is closer to normal most of the time. Still high, but getting better. I check in with the doctor that prescribed me these meds next week.

Every morning, I record my blood pressure in a little notebook and I take a pill. When I take the pill, I’m consciously choosing to remain in this world and not let nature take its course, which is where I was a few weeks ago. Choosing to stay matters, and I’m very slowly starting to feel more like myself, more consistently.

That doesn’t mean things are fixed, though. All the issues that put me in a bad state are still there. The external ones. The internal ones. The ones I still don’t have a full grasp on.

Today, I had an uncanny level of productivity with work, so I kept at it well past quitting time. When I finally shut the work laptop down, I tried relaxing with some videos, but that wasn’t helping. I moved on to some Kerbal Space Program, which didn’t help, either. So I went for a walk and tried to process what’s going on inside my head and heart right.

With the sun down and the light quickly fading, my neighborhood triggered a familiar feeling. When I realized what it was, I decided I needed to write this post.

I loved City of Heroes. My whole family played with me, and I got several of my friends hooked on the game. We played together, and we had a lot of fun. Eventually people moved on to other things, but I kept my subscription going in the hopes I’d go back and play some more. When NCSoft shut the game down, it hurt.

Years later, the source code leaked, and I managed to get a hold of it. I bought a tiny system from Fry’s and setup up a database, compiled the game, and got it running in my garage. I brought City of Heroes back to life! And some of my friends and family played with me for a little bit!

But again, they moved on. I occasionally open the game and fly around. I can go anywhere in the world, but wherever I go, it is just me. Nothing I do there will ever matter, and the size of the empty playground weighs on me. I still have the setup, but I don’t fire it up very often anymore because it’s empty, lonely, and a reminder of a world that will never be again.

That’s what I felt while walking in my neighborhood this evening. There were other people around, but we were disconnected and distant. Courtesy dictates detachment. It has nothing to do with the street or the houses, but the whole world is just sort of empty, and I don’t think it always felt that way.

I have friends. I meet with them weekly, and we play games together all the time. And there are people I work with that I care about, that genuinely seem to care about me, too. Melissa loves me. My kids love me. There are others, and I hope the people I’m not mentioning don’t feel left out.

At the same time, there is a deep, indellible loneliness that I carry, and I don’t know what that’s about or how to put it down.

I could kind of ignore it while I was waiting for my heart or organs to fail. Now that I’m choosing life every day, it seems like something I need to figure out. I don’t want it get in the way of me being the best version of myself.

I am doing things. I made some progress on The Psychic Out of Time this weekend. I worked on that keyboard that I still need to finish and send out. I’ve been eating a little bit healthier this last week or so.

In other news, I’ve also started making progress on my plan for the Write Something Good podcast. I have the equipment I need, the accounts and the software I need, and I have material to record. I just need to organize it, write some outlines for a few episodes, and then set aside the time to record.