It’s been a few months now. I’m continuing to meet with my therapist online, every other Wednesday.

So how is it going?

It’s going fine, I think? It’s hard to say.

Why I Started Going to Therapy

I was having a difficult time focusing on work, and on my hobbies. I wasn’t writing. Depressive thoughts were common, and suicidal ideation was a part of my life again. That is to say, I wasn’t actively looking to harm myself, but I did wish my life would end, hopefully without pain. I fell asleep many nights thinking that the world would be objectively better off if I wasn’t in it.

I needed to get the dark thoughts under control. I wanted to get back to feeling more like myself, and doing the things I enjoy doing, and being productive again.

Melissa told me that free, online options would eventually be part of our plan through BlueShield of California. Last year, open enrollment finally gave us the online options. Most of a year after they became available, I finally made an appointment and tried to get my life in order.

How has it helped?

The thing is, it’s hard for me to pin down what has changed. My therapist has given me homework a couple of times, but it’s all easy stuff, and nothing I would expect to change my way of thinking. I talk to him for about an hour every other week. He makes comments occasionally. Sometimes he questions a couple of my statements. That’s it.

There are a few things I’ve observed about myself that have changed since going to therapy. The first is that much of the dark thoughts I experienced were bound up together. They were judgements about the world or myself, tied to each other as “supporting evidence,” one into the next, leading to some horrible conclusions. For example, I would string statements together like:

1. My closest friend tossed me away like used trash
2. I don’t have a ton of friends anymore
3. I am the common factor in all of my relationships
4. Therefore, I’m a terrible human being that doesn’t deserve the comfort and joy that comes from friendships

With therapy, I’ve been able to short circuit some of that “logic” and find other conclusions. The friend that tossed me away and treated me like trash, for example, was being a narcistic asshole. That doesn’t really have anything to do with me. And yes, I don’t have a lot of friends, but I do have some very good ones. It doesn’t really matter that I’m the common thread in all of my relationships; there are other reasons for those relationships to fail. I might be a terrible human being, but everyone deserves love and happiness, and there really isn’t that much evidence to support the notion that I’m worse than anyone else.

The other way that therapy has helped is that my therapist is really good at helping me dissolve the reasons or excuses I come up with not to do something. For example, I knew I wanted to get the first 8 episodes of the podcast recorded and scheduled to go out before Melissa and I went on the cruise. But, I didn’t have time. There was too much to do, and by the time I could actually get to recording, I only had one weekend. It was too much.

“Do you have to record all 8?” My therapist asked.

No. No, I could record a subset.

And so I did. I have scripts/notes for the first 8, but I recorded the first 4, leaving me with just enough time to figure out how to get the podcast set up and the episodes scheduled out.

Going Forward

I still have things to work on. I’m still not writing as much as I want, or building keyboards as much as I need to, and I’m still struggling with work.

Also, my head is still filled with dark and terrible thoughts. They’re not as tightly bound into a knot, holding me down and filling me with dark conclusions. The demons are still inside, and I need to continue to be vigilant and keep them from getting together and painting over my outlook.

Therapy is still scheduled out. I’ll keep showing up, doing the homework, and trying to become the best version of myself. I want to be happy, productive, and proud of myself. I’m not fully there yet, but I’m a work in progress.